THE huddled media masses, outside St Mary’s Hospital’s Lindo wing, ran out of things to say long before the Duchess of Cambridge went into labour.

None more so, during the three-week “Great Kate Wait”, than Sky News’ Paul Harrison whose patience snapped on July 17: “Everybody’s hopeful that fairly soon we’re unlikely to see Kate arrive here.”

Fingers crossed, eh?

With suitably low hopes, then, came Monday’s events and a frank admission, from the off, from BBC’s Simon McCoy: “For the next few hours, endless speculation, endless chat and not much information.”

A quick flick over to Sky provided confirmation, with some birth expert venturing that Kate Middleton “might have a midwife” with her.

So began the stampede of rolling TV news morons desperately filling airtime with absolutely nothing, like an awkward silence on a first date.

BBC’s Nicholas Witchell reckoned Kate would receive “extremely good care” on the £5,000-a-night maternity ward.

ITN’s Tim Ewart dropped the ball spectacularly, having “forgotten to pay my phone bill” and unable to access the internet, and was merrily telling This Morning he didn’t know if Kate had been induced, two hours after every other royal correspondent announced she’d gone into labour naturally.

Or “neighbour laterally”, according to Sky’s Stephen Dixon.

So I stuck with the channel, and was rewarded with swivel-eyed lunacy in its full Sky News glory.

Dermot Murnaghan managed to rename St Mary’s: “Paddington Hospital.”

Anna Botting revealed: “The baby was born at 4.24pm, which we found out via email and also by email.”

And by email too, I’ll warrant.

Alastair “why use one word when 17 will do” Bruce declared of the birth: “It’s another tick in the history of time.”

But the main event was the remarkable, logic-defying Kay Burley/Paul Harrison show.

Harrison began the day by saying: “These are the very early stages of pregnancy.”

By the end he’d tied himself in all sorts of knots: “The Duke of Cambridge’s spokesman says Prince William will be spending the evening at the hospital tonight.

“Little bit cryptic.”

I don’t know how he cracked that code, but he was back the next day to demand: “We want the baby’s name. We now know it’s a boy so the options have narrowed slightly.”

They’ve halved, really, haven’t they, Paul?

Burley, though, took the madness to a new level.

I’ll long treasure the moment she asked two young Asian tourists outside the hospital: “Did you know Kate was here?” to receive the reply: “Yes. In Hong Kong we have the news too.”

As I will Harrison’s response to her question: “Paul, your phone rang a moment ago.”

“It was PPI telling me I’m eligible to claim £3,000.”

She told everyone who would listen about her own childbirth experience: “I was in labour for three days, Paul.” “I was in labour for three days, Mike.” “I played backgammon when I was in labour, Charlotte.” “In early labour I was walking around the park with my dog, leaning against trees, having contractions, Odette.”

And her Monday night post-royal-birth crowd-surfing was a harsh lesson in the perils of the live TV vox pop.

She said: “Congratulations,” to the first woman she saw behind the barriers and managed to choose every non-English-speaking person there, it seemed, before fatefully jabbing the microphone in a random bloke’s face at 9.05pm.

“The news is it’s a black boy,” he said.

By George!

Sky News. First with breaking news.

Last with common ruddy sense.

This week’s Couch Potato Spudulikes...

BBC’s wonderful The Open.

Dominic West’s Richard Burton in BBC4’s, sadly, final biopic Burton and Taylor.

The return of Who Do You Think You Are? albeit sorely missing the dark dulcet tones of Mark Strong’s narration and Una Stubbs failing to find an ancestor named Aunt Sally.

Sky Broadband’s commercial at last getting an A-list star, following Bruce Willis, with “heroic anchorman of Soccer Saturday, king of the catchphrase” Jeff Stelling.

Jeremy Clarkson, on an otherwise tiresome Top Gear, introducing tame racing driver The Stig: “Some say that if he played football for Manchester United, he would be loyal, because he’s not a potato-headed oaf.”

And the staggeringly unfortunate choice of advert halfway into C4’s Notes From The Inside With James Rhodes, in which the classical pianist performed pieces of music at a psychiatric hospital to aid four patients in their recovery...

The Go Compare song: “Committed To You.”

This week’s Couch Potato Spuduhates...

EastEnders’ Mitchell stalwart Perry Fenwick failing to answer Vernon Kay’s All Star Family Fortunes question: “Name a famous ocean,” with: “Billy.”

After such a strong series, the massively disappointing finale of Luther, which was terrific for all of 10 minutes before Alice returned.

ITV thinking viewers affected by Hayley’s story on Corrie need to phone Pancreatic Cancer UK’s helpline, thereby deluging it with callers unaffected by pancreatic cancer.

Ex-WAG Lizzie Cundy filling the Katie Hopkins-sized rent-a-gob space on This Morning.

Sixty minutes of BBC2 psychic claptrap The Secret Life of Uri Geller.

And atrocious ITV daytime quiz show Take on the Twisters, which did provide one moment of glorious numb-skull stupidity as host Julie Bradbury asked: “Which battle is depicted on the Bayeux Tapestry?”

Contestant: “The Battle of Britain.”

Ooh, so close. Just a thousand years out. And a few too many spitfires and Messerschmitts for the 1066 Norman Invasion.