Young carer speaks about how support helped him when he was struggling to cope

Seventeen-year-old Connor Malone, who cared for his mother and younger siblings, shares his story to mark Carers Week (June 8 to 13).

GROWING up, Connor didn’t realise that he was carrying out more chores than others or providing extra emotional support to his family.

The Crosskeys College student, of Cwmfelinfach, said caring for members of his family left him struggling to sleep, struggling to cope at school and caused him to feel depressed.

It wasn’t until Caerphilly County Borough Council was referred to him to the Barnardo’s Caerphilly Young Carers Service that he realised he even needed support.

Connor said: “Initially it hadn’t occurred to me that my upbringing had at all differed from that of the people around me.

“It had become increasingly apparent, however, that the impact of the caring I was doing was becoming detrimental to my own mental and physical well-being but also to my school studies.

“I realised that where a mother or father should be able to help you through the difficulties, I was lacking the necessity of a parent who was in a stable enough situation to be there for me.

“I began to get in trouble with teachers at school for handing work in late or lacking attention in class.

“I was scared, I knew that if the teachers weren’t aware of the difficult factors of my home life it was very likely I’d fail my exams and not get the support I need.”

As a young carer, Connor had been affected other people's substance misuse and domestic violence and was identified as a very high level carer.

He had to support his mother emotionally and physically including helping her in and out of the bath and took on a parenting role to support his three younger siblings.

After being referred to the young carers service, Connor said: “I knew that this would be a turning point for me, in retrospect, it surprises me just how much i underestimated the way such support would change my life.

“In meeting other people in similar situations I soon realised, I was not as alienated from the rest of people my age as I had begun to think at school.

“I had carried a lot of worries and stress to school with me every day and had experienced bullying and abuse from a large amount of people.

“I had begun to question the strength of my character, such frequent abuse had made me think that I was the problem.

“I became incredibly insecure. I resented the fact that I had to provide all the support a parent should be providing me with. I felt I could not talk to anyone about my problems because I was too busy fixing theirs.

“Meeting other people at Barnardo’s it soon became apparent that the problem at school was not based on me, I realised I was not being treated badly because I was a bad person but because my circumstances were unknown.

“I was very popular at the groups, people seemed to find me easy to talk to and I often made them laugh. This really boosted my confidence in myself.

“The support of 1-2-1 sessions also allowed me to finally speak about my problems. I had bottled everything up for so long that it felt like I was finally laying down a huge weight that I had carried around for far too long.”

Connor and his key worker began to draft up a letter to explain his difficulties to his school and the affect it would have on his GCSEs.

“In June 2012 I sat my exams, I was a totally different person, I was calm and collected, I knew that whatever grades I got they would still be something to be proud of with the adult circumstances I’d been forced to grow up under,” he said.

“In August I received my results, I passed all twelve GCSEs and even got two A grades.

“Two years later I have still not found the words to express my gratitude to Barnardo’s.”

As part of Connor’s support he was invited to monthly groups to gain support and much needed respite.

As Connor increased in confidence he was elected as a group representative which allowed him to discuss group delivery on behalf of other young carers.

“Being elected as a representative for other young carers was one of the most rewarding experiences I have had with Barnardo’s,” he said.

“It meant so much to me that my peers trusted me enough to feel I was worthy to voice their opinions.

“I wanted to be able to spread the word on the challenges a young carer faces, and this was finally an opportunity to do so.

“I never wanted another person to be unaware of what a young carer was. I had experienced it for long enough.

“To this day I am still working in any way I can to raise awareness. No young person should ever have to feel alone in this and I certainly don’t want to see people alienated for their circumstances”

Connor was given the opportunity to speak at a Caerphilly council meeting and reduced many adults to tears with his story. He was hailed as brave, strong and an inspiration.

“I couldn’t quite get over it, I was just a 17 year old boy who had been given an opportunity to speak about his life”, he added.

He added that the charity recognised that he still needed support despite the fact that his caring role had lessened.

“They helped me to embrace the change as a good thing," he added.

"I realised that this is the way it should have been all those years ago, a young person deserves to be supported by people as they grow up.

“It’s fundamental to healthy development and I am grateful that by being given a chance to have a break from my role as a carer, I have been able to recognise my own issues and get the support I need for them.

“Barnardo’s gave me the confidence to take on some previously unrecognised difficulties I have.

“They helped me get referred to Child and Adult Mental Health Service (CAMHS) to seek further support. I am grateful that Barnardo’s took me seriously and I was not expected to grin and bear a situation that others may view as just an unlucky roll of the dice.”

From rep, Connor became a peer mentor, helping him gain employment with homeless organisation Solas Cymru and later as a sessional worker with Barnardo’s.

“I now recognise that through every difficulty and challenge I faced, I gained a new outlook and can now put experiences that I previously perceived as negative to good use in helping people,” he added.

“It’s hard to convey in words, but Barnardo’s genuinely changed my view on life through their continued support and the tireless efforts of their workers.

“It’s a feeling you have to experience yourself to fully believe, I will never be able to express my gratitude to them in the magnitude it deserves.”

The Caerphilly Young Carers service was set up in 1999. The service gives direct support to young carers, aged eight to 25 and their families.

The service organises a club for young carers to meet, and arranges fun activities and outings for them.

It also provides advice and information for young carers individually or in groups and works closely with schools.

A similar service is also held in Newport.

For more information visit barnardos.org.uk/caerphillyyoungcarers.htm