IT ALL went wrong from the fake eviction of a gobby Irish excrement-stirrer named Marc and speculation about a replacement in the house.

Joel: “Can you imagine if they put in someone worse than Marc?”

Danny: “No.”

Neither could I. Until…

“Hi, I’m Helen Wood. I’m the reigning champion of Big Brother.”

Oh joy. The venomous bully and all-round mirth vacuum who made last year’s series unwatchable was back for Time Warp Week.

And she wasn’t alone.

Fellow “legendary ex-housemates” Brian Belo and the original wasp-chewing, professional whinge-bucket Nikki ‘who IS she?’ Grahame joined her and Marc in the secret bunker for 48 hours before entering the house proper.

Within minutes, though, any fading hopes for this flat series evaporated.

The fake evictee, you see, had been an enormous goofball since his late arrival but at least livened up the show.

I’d go as far as saying he’d become indispensable to it, which says far more about how dull the rest of them are than how entertaining Marc is.

Then he met Helen Wood, fell under her inexplicable spell and all his light-hearted mischief turned vile, vindictive and plain hateful.

Without her, hand on heart, this Time Warp twist could have been a triumph, thanks to hugely likeable and decent Brian Belo who has this show’s DNA running through his veins.

He wondered: “How the hell have I just woken up in the Big Brother house again?

“It feels like EastEnders’ 30th anniversary episode when Kathy Beale came back.”

I hadn’t realised how much I missed the guy until he took exception to Helen picking on Chloe (who, incidentally, came up with the greatest ever description of Big Brother: “A chav version of a gap year”), removed his shoes in anger, threw them behind him and stormed into the diary room for a blood-and-thunder, anti-Helen rant.

“Why have I lowered myself to be on a programme with Helen Wood?

“I can’t stand being put in the same category as such lowlife scum.”

There is, however, a flip side to the coin — Brian is a glaring example of just how badly this show has lost its charm.

They don’t cast Brian Belo’s anymore. C5’s blinkers let them see only the need for aggravation in the house, not great characters.

It leaves the series lumbered with sour-faced lemon-suckers like…Harry, a cold woman who scares the bejeezus out of me.

‘Showbiz’ Simon, Britain’s neediest 46-year-old, who manages to cry without tears, the great big attention seeker, and called a house meeting — about him.

Human tantrum Nikki Grahame who complained: “All Jack does is moan and bitch”, before donning a giant pot costume and telling the kettle it was looking particularly black today.

In my imagination.

And Helen, who went a step further by criticising Harry for wearing a thong.

That’s ex-prostitute Helen Wood, of whom giggling, starstruck prune Nick said: “She’s lovely.”

I suppose if anything, BB 2015 will be remembered only for the brief stay of the “legends”, who are soon on their way out of the house.

After which, well, Chloe said it best.

“It just goes from bad to worse.”

Spudulikes

Chris Evans in charge of Top Gear.

Three contestants demolishing “Dark Destroyer” Shaun Wallace to win £90,000 on The Chase.

Prized Apart’s caption writers finding nothing more flattering about colossal pain and camp drama queen Aaron than “pizza fanatic”.

Matt Baker on The One Show: “Roy Walker is in Tenerife apparently.” Catchphrase host Stephen Mulhern: “What’s he doing in Tenerife?” Baker: “Avoiding the third series of Catchphrase.”

Kimberley Walsh’s “Glam Up Your Garden” This Morning tips: “This is a watering can that looks like a duck.” (Ooh, glamour.) And David Dickinson on Real Deal to the owner of an antique bottle of whisky at auction: “You turned down £370. Your reserve is £300. If it only makes £300, by the time you take away the commission it will be… (does mental calculations)… under £300.”

Spuduhates

X Factor’s uninspiring new panel.

Jason Manford’s It’s A Funny Old Week. (Have I Got Snooze For You.) The One Show host Alex Jones claiming an “exclusive interview” with The One Show host Chris Evans, on The One Show.

Prized Apart’s gigantic carbon footprint.

Dave channel’s Hoff The Record thinking it’s the next Curb Your Enthusiasm, with the star playing a fictional version of himself, when truth is you can’t parody an existing self-parody like David Hasselhoff.

A Love Island newcomer introducing himself: “I’m Chris Baxter, The Brand.” (Back off, pal. That’s Stuart Baggs’ turf.) And spurned bunny-boiler Jess to Josh: “If you crack on with her I will punch you in the face.” And that, folks, is why they call it the island of luuuurve.