GIVEN half a brain, the appropriate response to a hateful foghorn spewing claptrap purely for effect is to ignore them.

Unless you’re the TLC channel and the foghorn in question is “Jesus of the outspoken” Katie Hopkins.

In which case you offer the messiah of phoney-opinion pedlars her own TV show with an over-inflated title.

So came the muddle that is If Katie Hopkins Ruled The World, a curious, schizoid beast that can’t decide if it’s a panel show, game show, comedy or serious debate platform.

It landed with the promise to be “explosive and offensive”.

Except some big-cheese can-carrier clearly bottled it and decided “the most hated woman in Britain” shouldn’t be trusted to actually anchor a programme bearing her name.

That dubious honour goes to joker Mark Dolan, there to “keep Katie in check”.

Policing her before she’d uttered a word might then explain why there are so many distractions beyond the obvious if futile point of the series, the rent-a-gob being unnecessarily rude and opinionated.

It’s got tangled in knots and goes off on weird tangents, like Hopkins filmed on all fours over a steam “vajacial” before lying there, legs akimbo, having her most intimate of places slathered in a coconut oil, honey and egg whites paste.

For which, you’d hope, they’d have a good reason — because orange beach ball Gemma Collins doesn’t like manky feet. That was genuinely it.

The backbone of the show, though, is madam foghorn plus three guest panellists proposing new rules for society, sort of Room 101 in reverse, which are voted on by the studio audience.

It’s here that the strands completely unravel.

You see, on Celebrity Big Brother, Hopkins’ mask slipped in the face of a real monster, Perez Hilton, and it became apparent she’s no more of a villain than David Hasselhoff playing Captain Hook in panto at the Bristol Hippodrome.

It’s all bluster.

She’s not even the most unhinged or despised person on the panel either.

Week one had crackpot columnist and hubby sperm-stealer Liz Jones, followed by Edwina Currie who insulted comedian Alfie Brown by interrupting him with her first line: “Are you supposed to be a comic?” Either would have made far more convincing hate figures had open auditions been held and the series title not decided beforehand.

Even Dolan became bitchy, and funny, while discussing extra-marital affairs. Currie: “The reason people get caught is they usually boast about it.”

Dolan: “John Major didn’t boast about it, but I guess that’s understandable.”

Hopkins’ so-called “offensive” rules, such as women should not propose to men, are anything but, and the studio audience has sided with her every single time.

You just can’t take what she says seriously anymore. It’s laughable stuff like: “I don’t think Scottish people should be allowed to vote. I wouldn’t allow ginger people to vote.”

Though she did have a point when last night’s instalment ended with Dolan showing a photo of Hopkins “having sex in a field”.

Hopkins: “Is there any need?”

No need at all Katie. Not for any of it.

Spudulikes…

TV’s best panel show Would I Lie To You?

Paul Hollywood’s tears for his World War II hero grandad Norman on Who Do You Think You Are?

MTV’s Ex On The Beach narrator’s introductions: “Our fourth single is Towie, ahem, ‘celebrity’ Kirk Norcross.”

Wendi Peters losing her rag at the immovable sheep marooned with her on the Flockstars bridge as Bill the border collie pelted round until time ran out.

And This Morning showbiz regurgitator Rylan Clark, discussing Andy Murray’s baby news, revealing his top, top celebrity sources: “I think I heard on the radio that his agent has confirmed they’re expecting their first child.” You heard it here fifth.

Spuduhates…

EastEnders squandering a golden chance to end the Lucy Beale story.

Ignorant Dragons’ Den producers claiming indignant Deborah Meaden withdrawing an offer because the entrepreneurs tried wooing another Dragon was “a first”, when Duncan Bannatyne did it to Nuts Poker League’s Steve Bellis in 2006.

Alex Jones’s tooth-gnawing The One Show link: “Entertainment is certainly in the air here in Edinburgh, but like many cities so is air pollution.”

BBC3’s Rick Edwards going from an Oscar Pistorius investigation to licking peanut butter blindfolded off a fat man’s belly, on The Totally Senseless Game Show.

E4 dating show monstrosity Young, Free and Single making Love Island look like Pride and Prejudice.

And celebrity cobbler Christian Louboutin introducing The World's Most Luxurious Shoes: “You are about to see a documentary about someone who…” Let me stop you right there, Christian. I’m not. And now I’m off for a fortnight. Column returns September 4.