COUCH POTATO: Myleene should have left remote tribe lost

Yet not even this precaution was enough to spare one of the world’s most remote and isolated tribes, on the tiny Pacific island of Mogmog, from the dreadful fate that befell them on Watch channel this week.

They had a visit from Myleene Klass.

It’s a project called “Singing In The Rainforest”, a pun that ignored the fact we weren’t in a rainforest, where “five well-known British music acts leave their rock’n’roll lifestyles behind” to write a song with the locals.

Starting with Myleene who was there on the beach, tinkling away at a piano while a group of topless, chanting, lady elders performed some kind of weird tribal dance.

Scenes not witnessed since last year’s Loose Women Christmas party.

By that point, though, I’d already lost faith in television’s latest attempt to colonise every corner of the globe with minor celebrities.

The islanders’ wide-eyed wonder on hearing a piano for the first time seemed beautifully touching, a bridge across two very different cultures.

That was until they got the village’s guitars out for a sing-song and it became apparent the tribe weren’t as isolated as we were led to believe.

And the song they created together was an incoherent mess, although Myleene did leave behind her instrument, so not altogether an entirely wasted journey.

That’s where I would have left this show, on the shores of Mogmog, was it not for the billing of next Monday’s episode, Happy Mondays with Panama’s ancient Embera people.

So I decided to watch it in advance, which I realise is cheating somewhat.

But it was worth it. And I implore you to do the same.

It’s one of the most glorious, uplifting and funny hours of telly I’ve seen and includes the nailed-on greatest TV moment of 2015 – — one of the locals aping dancer Bez’s, erm, unique moves as the band plays Kinky Afro, before Bez tosses the bloke his deerstalker and maracas and invites him up there.

It’s a truly joyous moment.

Especially as both sides initially had to overcome a language barrier, which they did once the villagers got past the heavy Mancunian accent.

In many ways it’s Bez’s show. He arrives to a traditional tribal drumming welcome and declares: “I feel like Captain Cook.”

And tucking into an agouti rodent they’d caught he becomes a food critic: “It’s like going in a kebab shop.”

But the whole band makes a telling contribution, including time-old bickering as they write their first song together in 21 years.

It’s a cracker too. What really makes this show, however, is all the wonderful moments along the way…

The genuine warmth between both parties.

Rowetta declaring: “I can’t do heights,” 6ft up in a stilt hut.

Narrator Michael Sheen: “When darkness falls, there’s not much else to do but go to bed. It’s not very rock n roll.” Ryder to the band: “Would you like a Werther’s Original?”

And the lead singer concluding after Kinky Afro: “The only thing missing was the acid. Although looking at Bez reminded me a bit of it.”

Yippee, yippee, ey, ey, ay.

•Singing In The Rainforest, on Watch, 9pm Monday.

Spuduhates…

X Factor’s dullest ever weekend rejecting just two acts in 2h 15min.

Horizon: Are Video Games Really That Bad? taking an hour to g: “Dunno.”

No EastEnder batting an eyelid at Denny’s new haircut. And new head.

Sky1’s One Hundred and Eighty lacking Bullseye’s low-key charm.

BBC2 panel show Six Degrees of Separation imagining quantum mechanics is a rich vein for comedy.

The Sound of ITV: The Nation’s Favourite Theme Tunes placing TV’s greatest Minder in 10th, least memorable Downton Abbey sixth and omitting Boon and Auf Wiedersehen, Pet.

And This Is England ’90 making out Hulk Hogan faced Mr Perfect, Curt Hennig, at Wrestlemania ’90. When we all know full well it was Ultimate Warrior, don’t we?

Spudulikes…

Dave channel sneaking in Dave Gorman dad-dancing to Modern Life Is Goodish’s theme as they went to the ads, usually reserved for the studio audience.

Sheepdog Hoggy and Brendan Cole conquering Jim Rosenthal’s “super-flock” to win Flockstars series one last night. (Because series two’s a given, right?)

Mischievous EastEnders persuading Gillian “Kathy Beale” Taylforth to crouch head down in the footwell of a car.

Who’s Doing The Dishes? allowing the contestants’ answer: “Helen Leatheren? Leatherend? Element? Lederig? Lederman?” Host Brian McFadden: “Will you give it to them?” Helen Lederer: “Yep.” Close enough.

And evictee Gail Porter with the greatest ever summary of Celeb Big Brother. Emma Willis: “Is that the worst situation you’ve ever been in?” Gail: “Yes. And I’ve been sectioned.”

Spuduhates…

X Factor’s dullest ever weekend rejecting just two acts in 2h 15min.

Horizon: Are Video Games Really That Bad? taking an hour to go: “Dunno.”

No EastEnder batting an eyelid at Denny’s new haircut. And new head.

Sky1’s One Hundred and Eighty lacking Bullseye’s low-key charm.

BBC2 panel show Six Degrees of Separation imagining quantum mechanics is a rich vein for comedy.

The Sound of ITV: The Nation’s Favourite Theme Tunes placing TV’s greatest Minder in 10th, least memorable Downton Abbey sixth and omitting Boon and Auf Wiedersehen, Pet.

And This Is England ’90 making out Hulk Hogan faced Mr Perfect, Curt Hennig, at Wrestlemania ’90. When we all know full well it was Ultimate Warrior, don’t we?