SIMON Cowell must be mystified right now.

He’s ditched the room auditions, made the production bigger and introduced ready-made pop acts with music videos and backing dancers.

And yet X Factor is already being pummelled by BBC1’s sequins.

So why, he must wonder, is Peter Andre’s Strictly Come Dancing giving him a spanking?

It is, after all, the sorriest-looking line-up ever.

Seven of the 15 contestants are from the Beeb’s own roster, including two reporters from The One Show, plus the ex-host of Ready Steady Cook and a bloke recovering from a dislocated shoulder.

In 6ft parrot Tess Daly, it has TV’s worst anchor.

When she’s not acting as a one-woman echo chamber (Len Goodman: “Anita, you gave that plenty of welly.” Tess: “Plenty of welly.”) she appears to be providing a commentary service for the deaf/blind community: “They’re on their feet.”

“He’s carrying her, what a gentleman.”

“Boos and lots of them from the audience.”

And the pretence that none of the celebrities have a dance background, when there are two pop stars, is grating.

Doubly so with all that focus on Call The Midwife’s Helen George struggling to overcome her ballroom-banned splayed “duck feet” position from her ballet experience, whereas the fact she actually has ballet experience is surely the relevant factor here.

There are, though, three inescapable truths about Strictly that set it apart from ITV’s karaoke misery.

Firstly, it’s joyous, as witnessed by Kellie Bright’s excited-as-a-schoolgirl reaction to the judges’ comments.

Likewise, Anton du Beke’s brilliant response to partner Katie Derham’s scores: “Twenty-six?! How does anybody get that in one go? It takes weeks of accumulated numbers.”

In fact, partnering Anton with someone who can dance might be the making of this series.

Secondly, the panel is terrific. Craig Revel Horwood is the best panto baddie in talent show history and Darcey Bussell is a class act who understands entertainment isn’t all about technical competence.

In a fit of giggles, she told Jeremy Vine after his hip-thrusting cha cha: “It was strangely fabulous.”

Which steers neatly to thirdly — the contestants holding nothing back.

Putting into practice the philosophy that “if you’re going to do it wrong, do it right” means the likes of Vine, who has all the dance ability and agility of an ironing board, boogying with real gusto are the most watchable lot since the Dave Myers/Mark Benton year.

Kirsty Gallacher, flailing around Brendan Cole, could be Jennifer Saunders’ stunt double, tumbling out of a late-night cab on Absolutely Fabulous.

Ainsley Harriott tangoes like an ostrich attacking the zookeeper for a bucket of feed.

And Carol Kirkwood seems to be staggering to the Cunard B-deck bar in choppy seas.

My early favourites who can cut a rug are Anita Rani and Peter Andre, an inspired signing who’ll surely be the only male finalist, although I’ll enjoy Kristina Rihanoff’s painful lack of chemistry with Daniel O’Donnell while he remains.

There is, however, one more vital ingredient – Strictly understands the “journey” in a way X Factor has forgotten, as highlighted by Iwan Thomas: “I know I’ve got to improve but that’s the point of the show.”

Watch and take notice, Mr Cowell.

Spudulikes…

The Pride of Britain Awards.

Rob Lowe on Sky1’s You, Me and The Apocalypse.

Wales v England in the Rugby World Cup restoring thrills to Saturday night ITV.

John Oliver on David Cameron’s Pig-gate allegations: “We do not know if this is true. But please, PLEASE let it be true.”

The first Jeremy Kyle Show topic after his wife’s affair emerged: “Cheating partners.”

The One Show guest Craig Charles’ tips on writing poetry like Wayne Rooney: “Try to find words that rhyme with Coleen… Vaseline.”

ITV2’s The Almost Impossible Gameshow invoking the spirit of Total Wipeout (same producers).

And the Volkswagen boss Newsnight flew to Berlin to interview — Olaf Lies. Which is arguably how their problems started in the first place.

Spuduhates…

BBC3 assuming the world needs An Idiot Abroad rip-off with alleged comedian Romesh Ranganathan, Asian Provocateur.

Fern Britton throwing a diva strop and quitting Time Crashers — because her Iron Age knife was blunt.

X Factor, where Nick Grimshaw’s absence due to “radio commitments” made zero difference to the panel, manipulative editing had Papasidero teleporting from one line-up on ITV to a completely different one on ITV2’s Xtra Factor, and Simon Cowell asked the most dangerous of questions: “Is this becoming boring now?” (Becoming?!) And The One Show’s Alex Jones: “Visualise this. Carol Vorderman, naked in a spare room on the treadmill, feeling a bit warm. What happens?” Well, I don’t keep my Weetabix down, for starters.