OVER at C5’s house of dreams, narrator Marcus Bentley reeled off David Gest’s career highs.

“David starred in panto with Ray Winstone in 2007. He once performed live with Westlife. David produced Michael Jackson’s 30th anniversary special, the highest rated musical TV special ever.”

Uh-huh. And these days?

He’s sharing a toilet and bedroom with Jeremy McConnell, Danniella Westbrook, Hollyoaks’ Stephanie Davis and Megan McKenna, who none of us know from Ex on the Beach.

It’s Celebrity Big Brother 17 which, despite a cascade of nobodies, could yet return this once mighty show to former glories after the last two unwatchable series, thanks in some degree to Farrah Abraham and Perez Hilton.

But mostly thanks to the producers who simply couldn’t stop engineering rows and casting volatile nightmares.

I live in hope, though, with CBB. And this line-up is a potential cracker, a pick ’n’ mix of reality TV with plenty of weary, damaged, showbiz goods who make terrific viewing.

There’s Gest and Darren Day who played central roles in two of the best I’m A Celebrity runs and, interestingly, were the only two not too self-absorbed to congratulate Emma Willis on her baby bump on their way in.

We have an ex-EastEnder (Westbrook), another ex-EastEnder (John Partridge), X Factor diva Christopher Maloney, minus his nan, and Kristina Rihanoff who’s “most well known as a professional dancer on Strictly”, although not to Ben Cohen and Joe Calzaghe’s exes.

Then there’s Nancy Dell’Olio: “If I could describe myself in three words, I would say very funny, intelligent, smart, clever, clever, beautiful…”

And mathematically inept.

They’ve also booked the never welcome, attention-seeking control freak Gemma Collins who could distract this series from the real stars Gest, Westbrook and Day.

Making up the (very large) numbers — there’s 16 of them — are “Kim Kardashian’s bezzie”, “David Bowie’s ex”, some Irish male model and three “stars” from C5 sister channels MTV and VH1 reality shows, a casting trend which has hamstrung CBB in recent years.

So it’s no surprise that Megan McKenna surveyed the scene on day one and whispered to a man named Scotty T: “I know no one,” ironic though that was.

At least three don’t even qualify for their own Wikipedia page.

The final one, who does, is ex-UKIP spokesman, renowned homophobe and “the second coming” Winston McKenzie whose introductory VT included: “I could cope with a homosexual in the house. I guess I’ll just have to be standing against a brick wall all the time.”

So it remains to be seen how long C5 will give him before feeling compelled to remove the intolerant little douche bucket for airing the very views they booked him for, if the public don’t vote him out first.

I do know one thing, though. The logical conclusion to Westbrook correctly stating: “The most addictive thing is fame. I see it a lot in people who are reality based.

“They’re desperate for that fame and then they get it and none of us know really what to do with it.”

They go on Celebrity Big Brother, Danniella.

Spudulike

Sky Atlantic’s The Crash Reel.

Paddy McGuinness keeping Take Me Out on the right side of trashy.

BBC2’s Darts, with “Ted Hankey, ‘The Count’, taking on David Cameron” (from Canada).

Come Dine With Me sore loser Peter Marsh: “Jane, take your money and get off my property.”

World Strongest Man commentator Colin Bryce during the barrel loading race: “Radzikowski can’t get it up.” Danny Wallace: “That’s just a rumour, Colin.”

And When Ant & Dec Met The Prince, especially the pair’s emotional return to Byker Grove, taking advantage of Prince Charles’ wine cellar long after the party ended and their interview with William and Harry. And if you can’t remember which one’s which, there’s a simple way. Harry’s the ginger one.

Spuduhates

Beowulf: Return to the Shieldlands. (Lame of Thrones.) War and Peace’s indecipherable mumbling.

EastEnders characters visually throwing up.

Alison Hammond’s “hard” Dosh On Your Doorstep questions on This Morning: “How many days are there in a leap year?” which the dumbo contestants still need help with.

The despicable glee the Loose Women took in stitching up new panellist Katie Price by failing to tell her to watch When Ant & Dec Met The Prince, for Tuesday’s show, deliberately, I suspect. Not that I’m her biggest fan.

BBC2 comedy panel show Insert Name Here’s debut “famous Franks” episode including Judy Garland.

And the Celebrity Mastermind line-up Louise Pentland, Jason Cook, Alistair Appleton and Ben Shires. I think the title you’re looking for, BBC1, is “Mastermind”.