HERE we go then. The Big Brother live twist reveal.

Oh, no, my mistake. They’ve cut back to adverts suddenly. Wait, the link is back up agai… adverts… the house… test card… adve… test ca… hou… adv… h… birdsong… A technical disaster of epic proportions that gave Channel 5 exactly what it deserved.

This year’s twist, for what it’s worth, is a secret second house.

A secret that became common knowledge only when news broke of the production company’s planning application at the start of February and became even more pointless when four of the contestants broke through the fire exit, wandered around the camera run, peered through a window into the second house and returned to spill the beans.

Yet, with everyone in the know, C5 persisted with its scheduled live twist four nights later.

It was as moronic as the casting for series 17 of a long-deceased show that should have the celebrity version only.

Prize idiot of the awful bunch is Marco Pierre White Jr, a spoiled man-child who’s never lived in the real world and thrives on shouting, getting his kit off, bragging of drug-taking, shouting, laughing at his own jokes and shouting.

He bedded resident Laura who swallowed his lie that he has an “open relationship” with his fiancee, which she denies.

Their shenanigans culminated in the most bizarre on-screen warning: “Be prepared for extremely risky sexual activity.”

The mind boggled. Sex without a condom? Missionary position on a trapeze? Budgerigar in a bin-liner over the head?

It turned out to be him begging to be strangled with a studded belt, to which Laura duly obliged.

This isn’t even the first time she’s had sex on TV. Laura did it previously on sordid E4 dating show Young, Free and Single.

In fact several housemates have had brushes with minor fame, making the place a netherworld in limbo between BB and Celeb BB.

Georgina appeared on another E4 reality show Taking New York and Alex is Vicky Pattison’s driver on Judge Geordie, whose MTV stablemate The Valleys featured another BB contestant, Lateysha.

Jason is actor Dave Bautista’s bum double, Andy is the self-appointed political correctness policeman who publicly departed the BBC over Tyson Fury’s Sports Personality of the Year shortlist inclusion, and Ryan Ruckledge the X Factor bootcamp “horror of a human being”.

Except, it transpires, he’s much worse than that. A moaning, attention-seeking, pathetic excuse of a man.

We have monstrous Natalie and volatile Hughie who was convinced on getting the sniffles: “I think I’ve got malaria.”

Andrew has been removed because of a bondage tape from four years ago, and not because he said: “My unmatched perspicacity coupled with my sheer indefatigability makes me a feared opponent in any realm of human endeavour.”

The poor old subtitles writer tried four times to get that right before abandoning it as a bad idea and deleting the lot.

It would be unfair, though, to suggest everybody is despicable.

There is in fact one charismatic member of the house.

Take a bow, the stuffed zebra in the lounge.

Spudulikes…

BBC3’s Murder In Successville.

C4’s remarkable Interview With A Murderer.

Chris Harris and Rory Reid’s test drives on the best Top Gear this series.

Love Island’s Nathan and Cara coupling.

The Jeremy Kyle Show surpassing itself with the theme: “You cheated on me 17 times but did you steal my pressure washer?”

ITV thrashing the BBC’s Euro 2016 coverage, with Croatian pundit Slaven Bilic’s individual brilliance.

Robbie Savage begging the Wales v Slovakia referee: “Have another look at your ref, watch!”

And researcher Liz Morgan telling Springwatch’s Iolo Williams about the data from a seabird’s tag: “She had been diving to 50 metres.” Iolo: “Is that the deepest shag you’ve ever had here?” They’re doing this on purpose now, aren’t they?

Spuduhates…

The BBC failing to give its best comedy Murder In Successville a “proper” TV outing.

EastEnders’ enduring mystery of how Walford’s only solicitor, Ritchie, is also a member of the Bar.

Newsnight’s ability to spell “Courtauld Gallery director Ernst Vegelin van Claerbergen” but not Harris Distillery’s “manager”: “Kenny Maclean, project manger.”

All three hours of The Queen’s 90th Birthday: The Patron’s Lunch giving me nothing more than Bake Off obsessed Mel Giedroyc asking picnickers on The Mall: “I heard there was a nice pork pie on offer. Was it a good bake?” (Let it go, Mel.) And Noel Edmonds opening Deal Or No Deal on Challenge channel: “Twenty-two boxes. A quarter of a million pounds. Just one question…” Does it cure cancer, barm-pot?