MOVE aside, Professor Stephen Hawking.

Two of the finest minds known to science are locked in a debate over the very essence of life, in the Celebrity Big Brother house.

Chloe Khan, nee Mafia, of X Factor reject fame: “I don’t eat meat.”

Stephen Bear, the brash chump you didn’t see on Ex On The Beach: “Do you eat fish?”

Chloe: “Yes.” Bear: “That’s meat.”

“It’s not meat.” “Yeah, it is.”

“A fish is not an animal.” “A fish has got to be an animal.”

“Who told you so?” “I’ve just heard. No?”

Chloe: “No. Don’t believe what you hear.”

So now we know. A fish is not an animal. And anyone who tells you otherwise is lying.

Such is the calibre of clientele we’re dealing with on CBB 18.

A real shame because after a misfiring winter series, saved only by Angie Bowie’s words in the most jaw-dropping of circumstances: “David’s dead,” and two un-watchable runs last year, we deserved better.

But no. Biggins and Sam Fox aside, we have 13 challenges to the definition of “celebrity”.

They have divided broadly along an age line, which has not been engineered by Big Brother.

Refreshingly, the arguments have broken out organically.

The producers need to realise this and butt out more often, focusing their creative attention instead on imaginative tasks.

I’m not hopeful, though, because they’ve had the idiocy to overload the house with reality nonentities — three from each side of the Atlantic.

Representing the UK is Bear, Towie’s Lewis Bloor and Marnie Simpson, of Geordie Shore, who has “had sex on TV quite a few times” and in the same breath added: “I would say I’m quite classy.”

From the States we have Aubrey O’Day, who didn’t know spitting in someone’s jam sandwich and cuppa is a no-no.

Mob Wives’ Renee Graziano, who has developed a weird bond with Bear and seems to think he’s Al Pacino, in The Godfather: Part II.

And self-proclaimed “YouTube sensation” Frankie Grande, “America’s answer to Louie Spence”, when there I was thinking Louie Spence was the ultimate rhetorical question.

The very obvious problem being that if you pack the place with structured reality stars, you’re going to get a structured reality TV show, and that is not what CBB viewers sign up for.

To that add two X Factor flops, sourpuss James Whale, Ricky “Fatboy” Norwood, the most genuine in there, and Anthea Turner’s ex Grant Bovey: “The public perception of Grant Bovey is not great.”

Probably because Grant Bovey speaks in the third person.

The two real horrors are Loose Woman Saira Khan, who excuses her vileness as “honesty”, and Storage Wars’ Heavy D who hollers: “BOOM!” for attention and is so degrading to women that he referred to Chloe as “that” in her presence.

Which is why Marcus Bentley’s introduction burst his bubble perfectly: “Heavy D’s real name is Colin.”

BOOM!

Neither’s ego, however, is quite as inflated as gift-to-females Bear.

Lewis: “He will be the same person in a roomful of people who don’t like him as he would be in a roomful of people who do like him. He has either got to be very stupid or very confident.”

I’m going with a).

Spudulikes…

BBC1’s shocking NYPD: Biggest Gang in New York?

Squeeze playing “at a bus stop” in Herefordshire on The One Show’s Village Special.

Child Genius’s thrilling 10-9 final head-to-head between Rhea and Saffy.

Three old biddies Margot, 73, Trish, 82, and Daphne, 78, getting high for the first time on cannabis at an Amsterdam coffee shop, on C4’s A Granny’s Guide to the Modern World.

Bradley Walsh on Cash Trapped: “In 1936, Edward VIII abdicated the throne to marry which American?” Contestant: “Marge Simpson.”

And a University Challenge introduction: “I’m Lorenzo Venturini and I’m reading engineering — with a special interest in X-raying cheese.” And to think, some people say higher education is a waste of time and money.

Spuduhates…

C5’s Impractical Jokers.

Tears and sob stories on Dragons’ Den.

EastEnders presuming what it needed most was a story about the clap.

This Morning claiming today’s hosts Rylan and husband Dan are “back by popular demand”.

Child Genius champion Rhea’s horribly pushy mum Sonal getting the judges to overturn an incorrect answer and eliminate a rival.

BBC2’s new mini-league creating “the worst fight in the whole of Robot Wars” because both machines were already broken from too many fights.

And DJ Darryl on Naked Attraction: “I love my job but it’s not good for dating. Terrible. The stereotypes behind DJs are not good — we’re apparently players.” Trust me, Darryl, certain DJs have earned MUCH worse reputations in recent years.