HIS parents are famous porn stars and he has no problem persuading women into bed.

So, having seen Outnumbered actor Tyger Drew-Honey in action these last three weeks, I’ve just one question.

How the hell?

He has the chat-up skills of a gibbon: “I’ve always said that if I was ever going to commit suicide, I’d put on a fishing documentary.”

“I saw a necklace like that. It had some dead dog’s ashes in it.”

And, playing truth or dare over lunch: “Do a cartwheel in the middle of the road in front of a bus.”

You smooth-talker, you.

We’re flies on the wall of E4’s highly addictive Celebs Go Dating, where Tyger, Joey Essex, bed-wetter Charlotte Crosby, Made In Chelsea’s Stephanie Pratt, Tattoo Fixers’ Paisley Billings and “internet irritant” (YouTube prankster) Jack Jones have been seeking love with ordinary human beings.

And boy, we’ve seen some glorious disasters.

Joey’s first date started “burping like a trucker” on a slice of lemon and he ended up practically giving her the Heimlich manoeuvre.

Yoga teacher Ellis told Stephanie on their first and, you’ll not be surprised, only date: “I got circumcised three weeks ago, for this date,” before falling for Piet’s charms/creepiness: “I’ve been Googling you extensively.”

Paisley, new to the dating game, has been dumped twice, turning her into a defence mechanism man-repellent who made her latest beau yawn as she discussed her calamitous encounters, in real-time detail.

Four of the six have had brushes with borderline stalkers.

Even when he’s had success, Jack, who thinks the Italian hard cheese you grate on pasta is “marzipan”, seriously has had to be advised by the show’s dating agents Eden and Nadia not to prank his date by leaving a fake turd on her seat.

Tyger’s entire dating triumphs amount to this victory speech: “A girl wants to see me again and, yes, admittedly it’s to throw me out of a plane, but a second date is a second date.”

Charlotte was called a slag on a romantic picnic so has settled for Brad who’s five years below her minimum age limit: “He has un-ticked quite a few boxes. He’s 20 years old, he has a child, he’s lost his job and he spoke to a magazine. So far, it’s not looking too great, is it?”

As voiceover Rob Beckett pointed out: “I’m fairly sure an incontinent old lady wasn’t in Brad’s boxes either, so pipe down, Crosby.”

His narration is part of the show’s draw and he has no problem belittling the celebs: “Joey is dressed like he’s lost a bet.”

But the ex-Towie star and Stephanie have given up on the process in the final week and started seeing each other, with Joey wooing her at his home with “last year’s Christmas lights and a disposable barbecue”.

They make quite a cute couple, if I’m honest, and they’re nothing if not compatible. Steph: “Is this the country?”

Joey: “Yes.”

“Is it? It’s the countryside? I thought Essex was a city.”

Match made in heaven.

Spudulikes…

Sky Atlantic’s US Election 2016: The Circus.

X Factor’s Beck “Friday Night” Martin.

The Paralympics organisers playing Footloose before a swimming final.

Table tennis gold medallist Will Bayley leaping onto the table before embracing the umpire giving him a yellow card, to Don Parker’s ecstatic commentary: “Will Bayley is the world para table tennis Olympic para Olympic table tennis champion.”

Who’s Doing The Dishes? contestants trying to guess Lady Colin Campbell: “Usain Bolt?” “Robert De Niro?” “Bishop Desmond Tutu?”

And The One Show’s Matt Baker on Shakin’ Stevens’ new album: “I like this sound. It’s like Del Amitri and Mike & The Mechanics. It’s pretty groovy.” Somewhere, a music magazine is missing its cutting edge, down wiv da kidz, critic.

Spuduhates…

A public marriage proposal infecting X Factor’s auditions.

The Last Leg bed-blocking a nightly hour of amazing Paralympic action.

EastEnders finally getting its teeth into a real issue— fortnightly bin collections. (Give me strength.) ITV’s 9/11: Truth, Lies and Conspiracy indulging Jimmy Walter who believes the US government blew up the Twin Towers and the planes were computer graphics.

The utterly adorable Jeremy Kyle Show theme: “My wife gave me an STI after we had sex behind her boyfriend’s back.”

And BBC1’s Sue Perkins: “Welcome to a first on the Great British Bake Off.” Adverts? Product placement? The very essence of the show sucked out by a greedy production company slaughtering its golden goose? No? Give it time.