FIRST night in camp, on the shores of the Pacific, and Towie’s Lydia Bright wasn’t settling.

“I keep on seeing these hermit crabs. I’m scared they’re going to come in the middle of the night and bite us.”

Made In Chelsea’s Ollie Locke: “They like any opening.”

“Like a***holes?”

“They love a***holes.”

Well then, hermit crabs, fill yer boots.

Because we’ve got plenty of those among the ten volunteers on C4 spin-off Celebrity Island With Bear Grylls.

On the surface it’s a Stand Up To Cancer fundraiser with the famous faces donating their fees and trying to survive two weeks of hell.

But we all know why they’re here — camera time, which for Ollie and Lydia especially is like oxygen.

The MIC poser boasted: “I actually am quite hardcore. I worked in nightclubs and once I picked a poo out of a urinal.”

Now though? He’s scraping a desperate existence alongside Lydia, Dom Joly, The Hotel’s Mark Jenkins who’s come as Clive of India, “selfie queen” Karen Danczuk, Zoe Salmon, JLC’s Aston Merrygold, Dr Dawn Harper, comedian Josie Long and rugby player Thom Evans.

So, you know, it’s all relative.

One episode is too early to compare this first celeb version with the Joe Public original, which went downhill when they messed with the format and mixed the sexes, but it has promise.

Before the islanders’ traditional swim to shore and flippant over-confidence, Bear had these rousing motivational words: “Worthwhile things in life don’t come easy. Embrace the hardship every day.

“Positivity, positivity, positivity.”

So how’s that going after the first five days?

Well, they’ve radioed SOS twice after both scouting parties got lost, teetered on collapsing and needed pointing in the direction of the island’s fresh water by the rescue team.

They poisoned themselves drinking water from another source that half of them couldn’t tell was too salty for consumption — not even their tastebuds are in touch with the real world.

Aston insisted: “I’m definitely not a diva,” before throwing both a diva strop and the towel in, fearful of dehydration: “My throat is cutting up. There’s no way I’m risking my livelihood for this,” though he didn’t clarify what his livelihood was these days. (Best guess, town crier.) “President” Dom, who’s great value, tasked Ollie and Lydia with a critical, make-or-break search for water on day four: “I’m quite surprised to be sending out representatives of Made In Chelsea and The Only Way Is Essex as our last hopes in life.”

Lydia announced: ‘I feel so thirsty and lethargic. I feel like a walking corpse,” before adding: “If somebody gave me a bag of brand new make-up right now, I would say no thank you, I’d rather have a bottle of water. That’s how much my priorities have changed.” Blimey, this is SERIOUS.

Bear summed up their predicament: “Four days in with barely nothing to eat and no drinking water left in camp, the group is in dire straits.”

And Zoe asked Mark: “What do you think is going to happen next?”

Mark: “They’ll just find 14 skeletons.”

That’s it, gang. Positivity, positivity, positivity.

Spudulikes…

ITV’s Admiral football kit docu Get Shirty.

Robbie Coltrane in C4’s outstanding, dark National Treasure.

James Bolam and John Thomson capturing Cold Feet’s light and shade.

The Dalai Lama’s Donald Trump impression on GMB, concluding with His Holiness tickling Piers Morgan’s multiple chins in a selfie.

Think Tank answer of the week: “According to a famous quote by Samuel Johnson, someone is ‘tired of life’ when they are tired of which city?” Abi: “Las Vegas.”

Holly Willoughby on This Morning’s rooftop bee colony: “Do they like the fact we eat their honey? Because I’ve seen Bee Movie and they didn’t like it very much.”

And Red Dwarf XI on Dave — dated, unoriginal and geeky. I loved it.

Spuduhates…

C4’s thrilling Hunted remaining vague about how it “replicates” powers of the state, like CCTV access.

EastEnders forcing Les Coker to become his cross-dressing alter-ego again: “Hello. It’s Christine.” (Worst Adele tribute ever.) The three-hour Paralympics Closing Ceremony karaoke, with Rob Walker’s commentary: “Another one of Gaby Amarantos’s classic numbers.” (Ah, we know them well.) And Russell Grant’s Brangelina prediction, ITV’s This Morning, August 29, 2014: “He’s Sagittarius, she’s Gemini. Their wedding chart is to die for. Whenever you look for anything to do with love and marriage, you look for Venus, the Moon and Jupiter. All three planets are next to each other. And that’s why it will work forever and ever.” It’s written in the stars.