LOOSE Women’s Coleen Nolan thundered up the steps to C5’s compound of doom.

And then she did something that made me realise this whole series was a non-starter.

To my genuine surprise she turned left, to the seven returning Celebrity Big Brother “all stars’s” entrance, instead of right to where the newbies were going in.

That’s when it struck me. She’d made so little impression during CBB 10 that all memory that she’d ever been a housemate had been wiped.

And while I do recall the other six also back from previous series, the same pattern emerged — they’re the wrong ex-housemates.

Aside from the fact booking old contestants is a terrible idea because they’re wise to the show, if you are going to do that, at least get it right.

But no. We have Austin Armacost from CBB 16 instead of Janice Dickinson or Bobby Davro, and nice guy Calum Best from CBB 15, not Ken Morley.

There’s James Jordan, “the Brad Pitt of the dance world” — what with Brad Pitt being very clearly the James Jordan of the movie world — from CBB 14 instead of Gary Busey.

C5 plucked Jasmine Waltz from CBB 13 but not Lee Ryan or Jim Davidson, and horrendous bullies Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag — “Speidi” — who are tragically desperate to win, from CBB 11, instead of Paula Hamilton.

It doesn’t end there, though.

The world’s naffest WAG Nicola McLean is the pick from CBB 9 when they should have thrown the chequebook at Michael Madsen, and Coleen Nolan’s CBB 10 nemesis was the greatest housemate of all, Julie Goodyear.

Yet according to Emma Willis: “They’re the ones we know and love.”

Are they heck.

In fact only one remarkable line from narrator Marcus Bentley has come close to justifying their return: “Last time Jasmine was in the house she performed a raunchy striptease while pole-dancing for Lionel Blair.”

The new crop aren’t exactly inspired either.

We have Gazza’s ex-stepdaughter Bianca Gascoigne who’s now calling herself “the daughter of Paul Gascoigne”, true gent actor James Cosmo, Calum Best’s mum Angie’s surprise entrance (“Bless her, oh bless her, but shoot me now”).

And Brandon “Oi-Oi!” Block who looks like Leigh Francis had an idea for a Bo’ Selecta! Richard Hammond character but C4’s props department delivered Rowland Rivron.

Once again we’re swamped with US reality stars we’ve never heard of, two of whom have some kind of history involving a bust-up with Whitney Houston two days before her death that hasn’t previously crossed the Atlantic, so no one cares.

Yet C5 has seen fit to make this a dominant subject.

The pair in question began launch night with statements that deserved the same resounding answer.

Stacy Francis: “You probably best know me for being a finalist on the X Factor USA.” No.

Someone named Ray J: “You might know me for a lot of things (no) — music (no), reality TV (no), and you might also know me for my D**K.”

NO. NO. NO.

But the best measure of this year’s calibre came in the “all stars’s” production office as James Jordan surveyed the newbies on the monitor: “Six people in, so far — Ray J, Bianca Gascoigne, Stacy someone, James Cosmo…”

Calum Best: “Who?”

Spudulikes…

C4’s First Dates Hotel.

Mrs Brown’s Boys New Year Special.

The Jeremy Kyle Show apparently now using a random word generator for its themes: “I didn’t offer you sex but did you kill my fish?”

Tea-leaf reader Jane Struthers boldly predicting This Morning’s Phillip Schofield might “plan a holiday” with his wife.

And C4’s funny A Very British Brothel, with “damp in the gentlemen’s lounge” (I’ll bet there is) and owner Kath insisting on safety first in their new camper van massage parlour: “We would never leave the girl with a customer in it on her own because look at Jack the Ripper — he was a lorry driver, wasn’t he?” He was?

Spuduhates…

ITV using Kara Tointon’s bum to distract us from realising The Halcyon is just Downton Abbey in a B&B.

TLC channel defining Wikipedia-dodgers Towie’s James “Diags” Bennewith, Gogglebox’s Sandi Bogle and comedian Danny Miles as “Celebrity” Fat Fighters.

ITV letting Robson Green sing, on Robson Crusoe: A Surprising Adventure.

And EastEnders giving us Max’s self-harming, Lee’s suicide bid, Elaine’s stroke and, if you could get past the director losing himself in fancy shots and Cinderella imagery to understand what was going on, sisters Ronnie and Roxy drowning in a hotel pool on Ronnie’s wedding day… (altogether now) and a hap-py new yeeear.