For most of us, the trauma of losing a child in pregnancy is unimaginable. But for some it’s all too real. As part of Baby Loss Awareness Week, ELIZABETH BIRT met one Newport mum who went through the ordeal - and found out how the support of one charity helped her through the pain.

PREGNANCY can be one of the most exciting and joyous times of a parent-to-be's life.

But for some, like Starr Richards, from Newport, who lost her baby daughter Emily, that joy can turn into trauma and despair as the child they had prepared for slips away before they have had a chance to come into the world.

Now, as part of Baby Loss Awareness Week, Ms Richards wants other parents who have suffered the same trauma to know they are not alone.

In 2016, Ms Richards’ world was turned upside down in the space of a month.

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Her excitement of finding out that her baby would be a girl at the 20 week scan immediately turned to worry when the sonographer uttered the dreaded "but".

“My pregnancy was perfect until my 20 week scan," she said. "I had no morning sickness and was full of energy.

"We found out we were having a girl and I was over the Moon.

"But the sonographer was struggling to take some measurements and to find some of Emily’s organs, so she sent us for a walk to see if we could get her to move positions.

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Starr Richards

"I was walking and dancing around celebrating my little girl. My own princess. I was still thinking about our future, taking her to the park, putting her in frilly dresses, my little best friend.”

But when she returned to the room, the sonographer was still struggling to get what she needed.

“My heart sank. I cried out and felt like I let me baby down.

"Had I done something wrong? Did I not eat enough? Did I forget my vitamins? Did my body fail her?”

Ms Richards was sent to another hospital to see a specialist sonographer, but it wasn’t good news. it was confirmed the baby’s development was behind where it should be and that Ms Richards would need an amniocentesis - a diagnostic test which can determine if a child has a genetic or chromosomal condition - to determine the cause.

“We thought it could be Down’s syndrome which we could handle and still give her the best life," said Ms Richards. "I didn’t want the amniocentesis but felt I had to have it as it could possibly save my baby.”

After an agonising three-week wait, Ms Richards was told the devastating news that her baby had Triploidy, meaning she had a full set of extra chromosomes - which is fatal in almost every case.

The rare condition usually causes an early miscarriage, but, as this had not happened in Ms Richards’ case, she was given the distressing ultimatum of carrying on with the pregnancy and waiting for Emily to die naturally, or having a medical termination.

“I said no to the medical termination straight away," she said.

"But I was torn - we only had 12 hours to decide and talked it through with family.

"I kept thinking I wanted to give her a chance, they may have been wrong. But carrying on with the pregnancy could lead to me being ill, and what if she was in pain?

"What if she was born alive but struggled to breathe?

"When we went back to the hospital the next day, I still didn’t want to end the pregnancy but felt pressured to go through with it.”

Her labour lasted 36 hours and Emily was born on November 20, 2016 at 7.19pm.

“She was perfect," said Ms Richards. "She was a tiny 280 grams.

"She was born silent and smiling. We never got to hear her voice, her cry, see her eye colour or hair colour.”

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Starr Richards with baby Emily

This is where the charity Sands came in.

Throughout her labour at the Royal Gwent Hospital, Ms Richards had the comfort of a specialist midwife called Kath who was trained in bereavement, who after Emily’s birth dressed her in an angel gown and took Ms Richards, her partner and baby Emily to the Butterfly Room at the hospital, which was funded by Sands.

“She provides us with a folder of information about Sands and how they help.

"The room was beautifully decorated. It had a double bed, sofa, fridge, en-suite and a cuddle cot for Emily.”

The family were able to spend 27 hours in the room, taking photos and making treasured memories with Emily, including her footprints and handprints.

Family were also allowed into to the room if they wished.

Ms Richards felt unable to accept help from Sands until after Emily’s funeral, but credits the charity with helping her to come to terms with what happened and providing a support network.

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Baby Emily's tiny foot

“When I felt ready I spoke to a lovely lady who told me all about what they offered and who they are,” she said.

The charity was created by bereaved parents to help support others going through the same trauma.

“I chose to go to a monthly support group in Cardiff as I’m not the most confident on the phone and felt I needed more face to face support," said Ms Richards. "When we arrived there was a small group of parents who were offered tea and coffee and welcomed by everyone. It was strange to see other people who has lost children, I felt less alone straight away.”

Sands trains bereaved parents to run the support groups and they are known as ‘befrienders’. There are befrienders for both mums and dads.

At the support group, the befrienders introduced themselves and told the group about their lost child and allowed the parents to talk about their experience and baby if they wished to.

“There was no pressure at all," said Ms Richards. "Everything said in the room was confidential. It was a safe space for us to cry, laugh and say whatever was needed without judgement.

"Just telling my story made me feel a bit better.”

“There were times when I was in a dark place and forced myself to go," she added. "I didn’t want to speak but just wanted to be there and they understood and helped in any way they could."

Group members are allowed to bring someone with them, which Ms Richards said helped her immensely as she didn't feel comfortable going on her own.

“The group helped me through different stages of grief," she said. If others had survived this then I could too.”

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Starr Richards with baby Emily

The time came in Ms Richards’ life when she wanted to try again for another child, and again Sands were there throughout the fertility process.

Ms Richards began attending a group for mums who were trying for or pregnant with a 'rainbow baby' - a child born after a parent has lost another - where they were able to talk about the process, anxieties, worries and everything to do with having a baby after losing a child.

When Ms Richards’ fertility treatment was successful, she began to struggle with it, with every pain making her think something was wrong and panic, but the group was there to help her through it by sharing their experiences and reassuring her that everything was okay, as well as talking through plans for the birth and how to make sure everything was how they wanted and what they needed would be available.

“Being pregnant after a loss was terrifying," she said. "They saved me from myself.”

When Ms Richards gave birth to rainbow baby Charlotte, Sands were there to support again. They offered a rainbow baby support group but she was unable to attend due to the coronavirus lockdown.

They provided an online support group which is playing a big part in Ms Richards’ journey with Charlotte.

“They are an amazing group of parents offering support and answering questions,” she said.

Sands also provide fundraising activities and trips to memorial gardens as well as various events that Ms Richards has attended.

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A fundraiser run by Sands

“Sands have been a massive support to me," she continued. "I used to think I would never make it to certain milestones but Sands were there to help me along. They saved my life. The support they offer is incredible. They are like a second family to me now.”

For more information about Sands and the work they do or to find out how they can help if you have been bereaved by the loss of a child, visit www.sands.org.uk