Well it’s so nice to be back and I would like to thank everyone for my warm welcome… I’d like to but all that’s happened is Merv hadn’t noticed I’d gone and Mike said I was like a bus.

I’ll have you know I’ve lost weight. Admittedly I think most of what’s gone was muscle, I’ve had to give up the kick boxing and the extreme sports, and the walking far… about half a mile and I have to lie down for a week.
I’ve also had to take up using a walking stick and I feel the need to clarify this. I don’t actually need it to help me walk I can get from A to B no problem at all, unfortunately I now do it via C and D and sometimes Z. This is down to the slight limp and the stagger which makes me walk as though I’ve had six pints of Dry Blackthorn with a couple of brandy chasers. The stick ensures I keep on an even keel and don’t end up under one of my look-alikes.
Now while I don’t really care what I look like, I’m past 50 and past caring, Social Services tend to look down on mothers who pick their children up from school while under the influence… hence the stick. My stick says ‘this woman is not an alky’, it says ‘this woman has a physical disability not an addiction problem’ but most of all my stick says ‘get out of the way or I’ll wack you one’… it’s handy.
I also hadn’t realised how much time I spend in queues until I developed a tendency to fall over if made to stand still for more than 30 seconds. Every shop and bank, every time you want to cross the road, waiting for your kids to come out of school… it’s all queues and standing. If I don’t have something to lean on I’m forced to use the person in front, this often gets you looks which say ‘this woman is an alky’ so I then feel the need to explain and by the time I’ve finished the queue has moved on and I’m left talking to myself which gets me the ‘addiction problem’ look, or I have to leave the queue and find a chair thereby loosing my place and having to start again.
But sometimes I forget to take it with me, so if you see a middle-aged woman staggering around Cwmbran don’t give her a second look… next time I might have my stick and I’m not afraid to use it.