Mum !!!! Dad !!!!!! I've passed my exam, (screams....).

Heart-warming and throat gulping stuff to us beleaguered parents, offsetting perhaps the pools-figure money we have given them and now knowing it hasn't been completely wasted.....and you thought your son/daughter, couldn't spell exam let alone pass it, unless there is an 'ology' in grunting, drug identification, or X-Factotem..

"Cool, I got an C minus in chicken nugget assembly, and a B plus in burger assembly Dad, had I not miscounted the gherkins, and added 6 grams extra of that gunky stuff they throw on the top, I'd have got an A, the only way is up innit ? I can now apply at any MacDonald's in the UK for a job working all the hours God sends to flog this rubbish for a pittance to fat people....".

Gordon Brown has denied that plans for McDonald's and other firms to run A-level topics would amount to dumbing down - insisting the courses would be tough and intensive, "burger selling is not for everyone you have to be a carnivore as well, in these heady PC and grass-eating times, not the easy option by any means... we dispute this A-level is yet more dumbing down..".

Gordon Brown dismissed concerns A-level qualifications in selling beefburgers rather limited job options, and denied Burger King and KFC have already refused to recognize the qualifications as valid, negating the value of apprenticeships. "There's been a huge shortage of young brain-dead youth, willing to work for nowt in service industries, this is all going to change..".

Mr Brown said: "Every young person needs a skill and I want every young person to think of either going to college, or having an apprenticeship or going to university. It will keep them off the streets for a start.. We can do it in this country."

A reporter for t'argus stated, "Gordon old bean, you also stated we need 5.5m million people re-trained in computer programming and techno/science skills, or you will hand all the jobs over to Romanians, who are highly skilled in faffing about with microsoft's bug-ridden, and unusable junk, how do you equate apprenticeships in flogging fast food, with that..?" "I'll explain it simply", says our Gord.. "Computer programmers have to EAT don't they ?!? I might add, it's all Chinese now anyway..." next question please..."

Mr Brown pledged to double the number of apprenticeships to 500,000 over a number of years. Firms like BMi baby or some other obscure £10 flight operator, has also offered A-levels in training cabin staff and airport staff, subject to Gordon Brown footing the Bill, (it works for Northern Rock doesn't it ?), to explain to the customers, (A), They don't want disabled people on planes, (B) That toilet usage is £40 extra, while (C) Luggage and excessive heavy clothing worn has to have a surcharge of £1,000 quid, it is also NOT an imposition for Bmi baby aircarft to have outside toilets...the course is quite comprehensive and includes free karate lessons to fend off disgruntled passengers, and free medicare if you are hospitalised, by those who might claim they are being ripped off or something.

Gordon went on..."Apprentices don't get paid a wage as such, many of them get about £80 a week to do their apprenticeship. Once they had finished it, we could give them something as an incentive, but that is something for the future." "Sorry to interrupt Gord.. but that is £30 MORE than MacDonald's pays in wages now, so how will it work...? ", "details, details...", said Gordon, "all will be explained as soon as someone explains it to me..."