Knowing the Argus bloggers are full of disreputable reprobates, I've compiled some sensible advice about the various dilemmas, a number of us are facing in this heady, hurdy-gurdy, can't talk, won't communicate world of ours......

As a part-time know all, and incumbent Carling Black Label offciando, here are a few down to earth responses I have honestly given, to some of those time-worn issues we all seem to have problems with.... and my post bag has been filled to under-flowing with.. seeing as it's the sabbath, I have included the more relevant ones.... let us pray for guidance...

Dear Merv, When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odour for the Lord (Lev. 1:9). The problem is my neighbours. They claim the odour is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

(Answer), Have you tried Chicken with a honey sauce, and pine nut stuffing instead ? sounds like a lot of Bull to me.....

Dear Merv, I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

(Answer) Slavery is rather frowned upon these days, can she cook and clean ? I'll give you a fiver....

Dear Merv, Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighbouring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Scots, but not English. Can you clarify? Why can't I own an English Slave ? Is this slave discrimination or what ?

(Answer) I can't see why you would want an English slave, they complain a lot, totally obsessed with football, and with numerous delusions of grandeur and anger issues, stick to Scots, they know nothing about football ..... they're angry too, but who cares ?

Dear Merv, I have a neighbour who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

(Answer) The lord says no killing on the Sabbath, phone a friend, or sort him out on Monday.

Dear Merv, A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination (Lev. 11:10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?

(Answer) Depends if the shellfish is lebanese or not, best stick to fresh water fish ....

Dear Merv, Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

(Answer) The alter is 6 foot long and wide, how can you bloody miss that ? alternatively ask the Vicmeister to put signposts up.... I have difficulty finding the burger bar too.....

Dear Merv, Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev.19:27. How should they die?

(Answer) By polishing vigorously, or drowning them in bovril.

Dear Merv, I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves ?

(Answer) So long as you wear shorts and a shirt, and don't support Cardiff ....

Dear Merv, My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? (Lev.24:10-16). Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

(Answer) Of course... public execution isn't the be-all, end-all it used to be.... erm...how do YOU know what his wife wears ? You really shouldn't be coveting your neighbour's ass......