WHAT climbs out of this wooden horse isn't so surprising. Epic-style yet not epic, it's lumbering, sweeping 'big cinema'.

The Trojan war really did happen, around 1200BC, most likely for business reasons. Homer turned it into a great tale of love and heroism, played with the Gods' dice.

Director Wolfgang Petersen spent £113m making it into a bloody blockbuster, sitting squarely on the shoulders of Brad Pitt.

Trouble starts when Paris (Orlando Bloom), Prince of Troy, falls for Helen, Queen of Sparta, and steals her away, snubbing husband King Menelaus.

Pride shattered, he goes to brother King Agamemnon who uses Helen as an excuse to unite the Greeks against Troy.

A thousand ships sail, much blood is shed, and the actors dwell gravely on inflated, brooding lines: whole scenes revolve around a few stilted words.

Watching all this through weary eyes is Greece's finest warrior, Achilles (Brad Pitt), who despises Agamemnon but craves glory. And what glory.

His sword-ringing showdown with Hector (Eric Bana) is the film's pinnacle.

Purists should stick to the book: the Gods, so influential in the classic, hardly get a look-in here; and Homer said the siege took years, but Hollywood wants it in weeks.

For everyone else Troy delivers but falls short of true greatness.

The oldies do best: Peter O'Toole as King Priam, a conniving Brian Cox as Agamemnon. Bloom makes a go of runt Paris, but Bana as his brother Hector truly carries decency, honour, strength.

The great love between Helen and Paris is unconvincing - certainly not strong enough to spark a major war, and though Pitt is able as the vain, racehorse-tempered Achilles, he'll be remembered more for his pecs.

But Troy has enough costume and computer battles to pull through almost three hours and one funeral pyre too many. Homer lite.

Mono rating: seven out of ten