WE need to talk about the newly-launched Football League show on channel five.

I’ve stolen that ‘we need to talk’ line from the novel ‘We need to talk about Kevin’ a fascinating if bleak tale about a parent grieving after some horrendous events.

And it feels appropriate, because without major revision, watching Football League Tonight this season is going to be a pretty horrendous event as well.

The show is a complete and utter disaster and a curiosity, a football highlights show almost entirely devoid of football highlights.

It is a crying shame, not least because Channel Five should be commended for committing to the notion that the Football League is entertainment, not an inconvenience.

The BBC version of the same show – they lost the rights to Channel Five – was infuriating in terms of the scheduling, because it was clearly viewed as a millstone. It rarely finished before 1am and if there was no Match of the Day to go before it, the Football League show was often pulled altogether, not deemed fit to stand alone.

It was frustrating, but the show, though pushing no envelopes, was serviceable in providing good exposure for the Football League.

By putting Football League Tonight on television at a prime time on Saturday night, before Match of the Day, Channel Five have shown tremendous faith – some might say optimism – in the product.

Or so it seemed. In reality, no one seems to care about football when it comes to the FLT. It’s as key a feature as it was on David Baddiel and Frank Skinner’s sublime Fantasy Football show 20-years ago.

Highlights? Football? Not so much, or not at all, it’s not about the beautiful game. Apparently, football highlights are boring.

This shouldn’t be seen as a criticism of presents Kelly Cates and George Riley, two safe hands in both television and radio who were more than adequate choices as presenters. They didn’t, presumably, get any control on the concept. You can only feel for them.

I’m still somewhat dizzy, even thinking about the new Football League show, and watching it back for a second time for the purpose of writing this column ranks as a bigger ordeal than the time I spent 14 hours in a car trying to cover Newport County at Fisher Athletic. I never made the game and nearly wet myself. That was nothing compared to three hours in total watching this car crash television.

One can only imagine what went on in the production meeting. If libation wasn’t taken, it certainly seems like it was. The desire to seem ‘Saturday night’ and contemporary (I’m presuming) has eradicated the football.

This is supposed to be sugar coated, glossy television, but it translates as a kaleidoscopic nightmare, with inane babble and ill-conceived nonsense locked in a Batman versus Superman sized battle that leaves the actual football sidelined like Lois Lane or Robin.

A run through of the innovations seems appropriate, in case you were lucky enough to miss seeing it.

Firstly, instead of analysis from an ex-professional, who knows the game, but isn’t tied to it, Channel Five are going to utilise a rotating parade of current Football League professionals.

So while we get the same level of experience in the game, it comes with the exciting twist that those being utilised – this week, Brighton’s Adam Virgo - are inexperienced on television and can’t say anything remotely controversial. You aren’t going to criticise a player who can kick you next week or a team that can beat yours.

Virgo was set up in a corner of the studio with an analysis screen, surprisingly located on top of what looked like a four foot traffic cone. Willy Wonka may well have been a stage design consultant on the show. We may never know.

That’s just to our left of the main stage, which features a giant screen that looks like it should feature in the Tate Modern. Why have an actual TV screen? Why not fragments of a TV screen? Let’s make our viewers as distracted and confused as possible.

No clear and concise league table graphics; that would be silly, Channel Five have opted for league tables in the studio that look like they were created in a do it yourself segment on Blue Peter. It’s different you see. It adds no value, but it’s different.

I could continue, by dissecting the fact that after a couple of minutes of Sheffield Wednesday highlights we were treated to a streamed video of Michael Vaughan, with very low quality, filmed in portrait, babbling inaudibly, but I haven’t even got to the worst part yet.

Because like Cheers or Friends or other shows that genuinely are entertaining, the Football League show is filmed before a live studio audience. Only this time the lunatics are helping to run the asylum.

“What do we think of this Sheffield United away shirt?” George Riley ponders, at the expense of hearing any analysis of the Blades 4-0 defeat to Justin Edinburgh’s Gillingham. Well, let’s ask a guy in the shirt, who is in the audience! Brilliant!

The fans are a big part of this show. The segment which saw a group who look like a police line-up hold up hand-written betting odds for various promotion chasing teams, was inspirational. It’s so much better than watching football.

And we also aren’t worried about what people thought about the football.

Save a game or two, it is strictly goal highlights. Unless you have the profile of Teddy Sheringham or Terry Butcher, don’t expect to hear any manager reaction whatsoever. Richard Money’s side might have won 3-0, but he didn’t make the cut. We nearly heard the thoughts on an audience member, but no one bothered to give him a microphone. In terms of production values it is like Top Gear or any Tim Lovejoy vehicle ever re-imagined by year ten media studies students.

In-depth analysis? Any analysis? Pah.

You might get a fleeting moment or two, but that’s your lot. Match of the Day has its critics when it comes to punditry, but Alan Shearer’s 90 seconds on Norwich v Palace was probably longer than the entire analysis in Channel Five’s 90 minute show, and more sophisticated. Yes I’m serious.

We did get an incredibly long Martin Allen interview with Mad Dog Martin looking about as comfortable as a passenger heading to Guantanamo Bay, which was far longer than any section of successive highlights, but he didn’t actually say anything.

Ironically, even though most of the audience for this programme will happily drive hundreds of miles to watch a 0-0 draw, the makers of this show have assumed none of us have the attention span for more than four successive football matches.

Rather than being showcased, the football was chucked on to the screen in splutters and interspersed randomly, almost with resentment like Chris Moyles used to display when he had to actually play a record on his Radio One breakfast show.

It’s a chaotic disaster.

And it’s such a crying shame.

This was a big chance for Channel Five to spotlight football outside the Premier League, but they seem intent on squandering it due to an excruciatingly hard-to-watch desire to put their stamp on things.

All lovers of the Football League can only beg them to stop. Just stop what you are doing. Ditch every single innovation, every attempt to distinguish the programme as being ‘more than just a football highlights show’ and let us revel in the simplicity of watching the beautiful game.

You’d think it would be obvious.

But unless there is major change coming, we won’t ever need to talk about the Football League show again.